Building Self-Control from the Start: What Impulse Control Looks Like in Early Childhood (and What’s Totally Normal)

If you’ve ever told your toddler “No more cookies” and they immediately grabbed one anyway, welcome to life with a child under five! 😅

Self-control, or impulse control, isn’t something young children are born with. It’s a skill that develops slowly (very slowly) through everyday experiences, nurturing relationships, and consistent boundaries.

So… what is self-control?

Self-control is the ability to pause, think, and choose an action other than the one our bodies want to do right away. It helps children manage:

• Emotions (like frustration and excitement)

• Actions (like hitting or grabbing)

• Responses (like blurting out or running off)

Adults aren’t perfect at this, and kids are just getting started. 🎈

What’s Typical at Different Ages?

Here’s what developing self-control might look like during the first five years:

🍼 0–12 months: Babies communicate through crying and body language. Self-control is not expected—they’re learning to trust and feel safe through responsive caregiving.

🚼 1–2 years: Toddlers are curious and impulsive! They understand simple directions but often can’t stop themselves from doing what they want right away.

👶🏽 2–3 years: You may see some progress—like pausing after hearing “No”—but tantrums and boundary-testing are still very normal.

👧🏾 3–5 years: Preschoolers begin to use words to express frustration, wait short turns, and understand rules. They still need lots of reminders and redirection.

How Can Parents Help Build Self-Control?

It starts with connection, not correction. 💛 Here’s what really helps:

1. Stay consistent with routines and boundaries
Predictability helps kids feel safe—and self-regulate better over time.

2. Narrate emotions and actions
“You’re feeling really mad right now. It’s okay to be mad, but we don’t hit.”

3. Give choices to build decision-making
“Do you want to clean up blocks or puzzles first?”
Choices teach control in small, empowering ways.

4. Model calm
Your child’s brain mirrors yours. When you stay calm, you’re helping their brain learn how to do the same.

5. Practice patience in fun ways
Play games like freeze dance or Simon Says to help kids build impulse control in low-stakes moments.

Be Gentle With Yourself (and Your Child)

Remember: self-control isn’t a switch. It’s more like a dimmer light, growing brighter with time, repetition, and love.

If your child struggles to wait, follow directions, or stop themselves from doing something impulsive, you’re not failing. You’re parenting a child who’s still becoming.

And you’re doing a great job.