The Brain Behind the Breakdown
Understanding Tantrums: What’s Really Going On in Your Child’s Brain (Ages 1–5)
Tantrums. We've all been there—kicking, screaming, tears, and maybe even some dramatic floor flopping. It can be overwhelming, especially when you’re already stretched thin as a parent or caregiver. But here’s the truth: tantrums are not a sign of a “bad” child. They are actually a sign of growth—a glimpse into the powerful, developing brain of your little one.
Let’s take a moment to look beneath the surface of tantrums and talk about what’s really going on inside your child’s mind—and how you can support them through it.
The Brain Under Construction
From birth to age 5, a child’s brain is growing faster than at any other time in life. The areas responsible for movement, language, and emotions are rapidly developing—but they’re not all growing at the same speed.
One of the last parts of the brain to fully develop is the prefrontal cortex—the part that helps with self-control, problem-solving, and understanding consequences. That means young children feel big emotions long before they have the tools to manage them.
Tantrums happen when the emotional part of the brain (the amygdala) takes over, and the rational part (the prefrontal cortex) hasn’t yet caught up. That’s not defiance—it’s development.
Ages 1–2: Big Feelings, No Words
At this stage, toddlers are discovering their independence. They want to do things on their own, but they’re still learning how. Their vocabulary is limited, and they can't yet express their frustration with words—so it often comes out in screams or tears.
What Helps:
Use simple language to name emotions: “You’re mad because you wanted the toy.”
Offer comfort, not consequences: This is a moment for connection, not correction.
Set consistent routines to reduce surprises and frustration.
Ages 2–3: Testing Boundaries, Learning Limits
This is the “me do it” phase. Children this age are testing boundaries and discovering their power. They’re more verbal, but still easily overwhelmed.
What Helps:
Offer choices to give them a sense of control: “Do you want the red cup or the blue one?”
Stay calm and nearby. Your steady presence helps them feel safe as they learn to calm down.
Model coping skills: Take deep breaths together or count to five out loud.
Ages 4–5: More Words, Still Learning
Preschoolers may seem more capable—they can talk about feelings, follow rules, and engage in imaginary play. But don’t be fooled: their self-regulation is still very much under construction.
What Helps:
Validate their feelings before correcting behavior: “It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to hit.”
Teach calming strategies: “When I’m mad, I take dragon breaths. Want to try?”
Let them help problem-solve after the storm has passed: “Next time, what could we do differently?”
Tantrums Aren’t a Failure—They’re a Signal
Tantrums are your child’s way of saying: “I’m overwhelmed, and I need help figuring this out.” Your role in those moments isn’t to stop the tantrum—it’s to co-regulate, helping them ride the wave until they learn to do it on their own.
The more safe, calm, and connected they feel during the hard moments, the more confident and emotionally healthy they become over time.
Final Thoughts
If you’re feeling worn out from tantrums, you’re not alone. Parenting is tough, and it’s okay to step away for a breath when you need it. But remember: every meltdown is an opportunity to build trust, connection, and emotional resilience in your child. You’re doing important work, and your presence matters more than you know.
We’d love to hear from you—
What helps you stay calm during your child’s big feelings? What’s one thing you wish someone had told you about tantrums?
Drop a comment below and let’s learn from and support one another. 💬👨👩👧👦
We’re all in this together—and FRC is here to walk with you every step of the way.
